Your life is about to get a whole lot easier.
1. You need this online dating assistant.
Spend less time swiping and more time meeting your perfect match. For only $15/month, we’ll weed through your potential dates for you, so you can focus on your romantic future. Our monthly service filters out everyone who doesn’t fit your criteria:
– People with car selfies
– Guys with photos of fish they caught
– Everyone looking for their “partner in crime”
– Anyone showing their abs
– And more!
You’ll find love in no time with this valuable monthly subscription.
2. This monthly Apple adapter subscription is a must.
You’re going to need at least 36 adapters by the time the iPhone XI comes out. Stay one step ahead and purchase your adapters now, conveniently shipped three at a time so you’re fully stocked by 2018.
FREE TRIAL: With our 30-day free trial, we’ll send you knock-off adapters from Amazon that work great for approximately 12 hours before your phone tells you they’re not compatible.
3. Get toasters, monthly!
How it Works:
– One month we’ll send you a new toaster.
– Next month we’ll send you another toaster.
– How you use your monthly toaster is completely up to you.
4. Stay current on your cinema.
You know you didn’t watch that new Netflix original everybody seems to have finished in one weekend. We know you didn’t either. Nobody else has to know. We’ll give you the highlights and talking points for each episode, conveniently printed on pocket-sized index cards, so you appear culturally relevant wherever you go. Here’s a sample:
STRANGER THINGS 2 (2017)
– Fact: Upside Down creatures are now “Demodogs,” not “Demogorgons”
– Say this: “Dustin is my absolute favorite character on this show.”
– Say this: “Hey, remember when Winona Ryder got caught shoplifting?”
Just think of the hours you’ll save with this monthly subscription.
"You know you didn’t watch that new Netflix original. We know you didn’t either. Nobody else has to know."
5. Never be unemployed again.
So, you can’t hold down a job. We’re not here to judge! We’re here to provide you with monthly letters of recommendation so you can get your next gig. We use the latest buzz words and insider language guaranteed* to secure a phone interview, at least. We’ll even mail the letter directly to your potential employer for an additional fee.
LIGHT VERSION: Can’t afford the monthly subscription because you don’t have a job? No problem. With our light version, we’ll send compliments and inspirational quotes to pump you up for your next interview. Examples:
“You have great hair!”
“I’ve failed over and over and that is why I succeed.” - Michael Jordan
“Dustin is my absolute favorite character on this show.” - Michael Jordan
*Guarantee not valid if you tend to sweat too much during interviews.
6. Remember to call your mother.
We know how it goes. Every 30 days or so, Mom sends a passive aggressive text saying she wishes she heard from you more. With our $5.99 monthly reminder, you’ll never forget to check in with your mother again.
PREMIUM VERSION: For $10 more, we’ll automate your calls entirely. Every month like clockwork, we’ll call your mom and play a 30 minute recording (+$1 for every additional minute) that sounds just like you. Choose from the “Engaged Son/Daughter” package, which interjects a variety of affirmative responses when your mom takes a breath, or the “I’m Taking Care of Myself” package, which provides your mother with assurance about your job, health and relationship status.
7. LaCroix. Every month.
20 boxes of LaCroix sparkling water every month, delivered straight to your doorstep. Stay hydrated and en vogue with one easy, $100/month payment deducted automatically from your already overdrawn checking account.
8. Never forget your regrets.
Remember that one time you threw up from sheer anxiety on the first date with that guy on the Upper East Side? Remember how you blamed it on spoiled Pad Thai and your date chivalrously insisted the restaurant provide a refund when both you and the waiter knew you’d just eaten Pad Thai there that very afternoon? Remember that other time you spent your entire paycheck on a monthly subscription for LaCroix?
It looks like these cringeworthy memories resurface roughly every month. We can automate that for you so you’ll never forget your regrets again. For a small monthly fee (ask about our Lifetime Regret discount!), we’ll text your regrets directly to your phone 12 times a year.
We also offer an optional Night Mode, which pings you every night at 3 a.m. with your regret, so you’re sure to toss and turn in misery until one hour before you have to be up for work.
These days, social survival requires you to express your personal opinions on Twitter. We’ll help maintain your woke reputation by activating your Twitter account in monthly fits and starts.
Subscriptions are available at three levels:
Level 1 - Engager ($10/month): Every month, we’ll retweet select tweets on your account from the hottest political activists online.
Level 2 - Thought Leader ($20/month): Pick one trending topic and we’ll hop on it for you, blasting a string of original thoughts on the subject.
Level 3 - Keyboard Warrior ($50/month): In addition to providing Level 1 and Level 2 benefits, we’ll find the latest Twitter pile-on and team up with your favorite trolls to completely obliterate a stranger online.
10. Keep up with your monthly subscriptions.
Do you find yourself wasting time signing up for monthly subscriptions? For a low monthly cost, we’ll sign up for your monthly subscriptions for you! Then you can check your bank account at your leisure and be completely bewildered by how many monthly subscriptions you have (or sign up for
this monthly subscriptionwhich checks it for you, only $9.99/month).
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Header Photo by Photo by Alex Knight on Unsplash
